Saturday, March 27, 2010

Avalanche of shoes

Carrie Bradshaw, from Sex and the City, kept sweaters in her oven. I feel like I am reaching that pathetic point as well. My shoes have completely taken over the apartment. I am beginning to realize that part of saying "I do" is going to mean giving up precious shoe space in my closet.

JJ grew up with a strict "one in one out" policy when it came to shopping. Clearly I did too. 

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I wish I lived here

Oh be still my heart.

I have become mildly obsessed with dreaming about decorating my first house. This consumes the majority of the tattered magazine pages laying around. And this morning a tour of Emerson Farm's house was posted on Design Sponge and my heart stopped beating. If only I had a sewing machine and could make all those adorable fabric flowers. Well, I'd also have to learn to sew.

I should be embarrassed that I'm basically drooling at my desk, but I'm not. The gun is a nice touch- don't you think?

Click HERE to see the full house tour.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Hoarder Wannabe

Last night the stars aligned and there was a marathon of "Hoarders" on TLC. I sat down with my glass of wine intending to feel much better about myself and my cleaning habits after a few episodes of people literally buried under their own trash. What I realized was quite different. I am an even more disturbing kind of hoarder-- the wannabe.

I get an absurd number of magazines each month because I compulsively click the boxes on my internet's sidebar prompting me to give my address for a "free trial issue." This undoubtedly turns into them sending me red angry envelopes wanting to know why I haven't paid for any issue after the first one they sent me. I am much too tempted by titles like Cooking Light.

Since I work for a non-profit and am trying to pay back college student loans I have begun ripping out pages of anything I would like to have. I now have piles and piles of tattered magazine pages laying all over the apartment of things that I would hoard if given the opportunity to actually purchase them.

So, I would like request that Dr. Drew comes over to my apartment and helps me sort out my underlying issues. These days being a hoarder is kind of trendy- afterall, Lindsey Lohan is one.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Speak and Spell

In my stocking this past year for Christmas Santa gave me a talking pedometer. I had been running my mouth (instead of my feet!) and so this seemed like a practical gift.

For a short time I had a pedometer that I got in McDonald's happy meal that had princesses or superheros or something on the outside. But it didn't talk to me like this special new one. Theoretically, this little device is supposed to alert me when I get to milestones in my walk, and also plays a few different songs with the pace of my step. In reality, though, this little creature of Satan only talks in the middle of the night.

There were a couple of nights where my roommate was awoken from her sleep by an electronic voice in our living room. After sleepily investigating she figured out it was the devilish talking pedometer. There is absolutely no way to turn the talking or alarm off so we just reset it to a time that we are usually not at home.

It's hard for me not to think of the Dane Cook sketch "Speak and Spell" when I think of the pedometer. While I'm still not using the pedometer to count my steps, I have been using it as a chip clip to hold bags of snacks closed. Everyone wins!

Click Here to Watch Dane Cook's "Speak and Spell"

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Are you there, Chelsea?

I was asked by a friend if the title of my blog was in reference to the book "Are you there God, it's me Margaret" by Judy Blume. While this was a nice read when I was 11, I had a little something different in mind.

I love Chelsea Handler and read this entire book on the 13 hour flight from London to NYC last summer. I thought maybe if I named my blog after her book she would want to be friends with me.

This is nice too. For all I know Judy Blume might be a wild sarcastic diva also.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Do YOU have what it takes to be a child star?

Like all child stars, I have issues. Namely- I pop Tums like candy.

Ok fine. I'm not "technically" a child star but I certainly thought I was and I think that should count for something. And I was a part of a very dramatic family which I am quite certain has a lot to do with my current need for attention!

One of our girls at work asked me to help her research becoming a Hollywood actress. I wasn't really sure what you google to find a website that gives tips to children with behavioral problems who live in residential treatment centers who want to become stars. So I typed "becoming a child star" into my search bar and hoped for the best. What I got was so much better than the best: a quiz to find out if you have what it takes to become a child star.

Here's a little appetizer: Choose (a) or (b) for each of these personality traits or reactions to help you ascertain your child’s ability to cope with the life of a child actor.

1. a) Extroverted     b) Introverted

2. a) Focused and attentive     b) Distracted

3. a) When asked a question s/he doesn’t know s/he tries to answer
    b) Shrugs or blushes when he or she doesn’t know the answer

4. a) Loves to sing and dance      b) Thinks singing and dancing is lame or has to be coaxed into it

5. a) Does impressions and improvisation without coaxing      b) Will try impressions and improv only with encouragement and coaching from you

If you answered mostly A’s, you probably have a child who wants to act and who might even be quite talented in several areas. You might have a real performer on your hands!
If you’ve answered mostly B’s, maybe it’s time to sit down and have a talk with your child to give them a chance to tell you how they really feel about acting.

(information from

The girl in my office had what it takes so I think I might offer to be her agent. When the state decides to let her out of its custody, that is.

Friday, March 12, 2010

I don't want to do someone else's job

I may be the only person in the world who feels this way but I think self-checkouts at supermarkets suck. Why would I want to do someone else's job after I just spent much too long picking out all of my food? Plus, I like to use the time I'm being checked out (by people who are paid to do it!) to scan People and US Weekly. And, when I absolutely must use the self-checkouts, they never work properly. The disembodied voice never believes I am putting what I say I am on the conveyer belt! Then I am not saving any time because I must wait for someone to come over and enter a 12 digit code that proves I am not stealing anything.

I would never have the guts to actually steal anything but I did make it home from Dillards last week with something I didn't pay for. I went in to buy stuff I don't need from the Clinque counter so I could get a "free gift" and saw the shoe department had all of their winter boots on clearance. I found a beautiful pair of camel colored high-heeled boots and excitedly purchased them for $29.99! I wore them out that night and much later when I came home and tried to return them to their box they wouldn't fit. Upon investigation I realized that there was a THIRD boot in the box! Some how I made it home with two left boots and one right boot. Someone at Dillards is getting fired, I'm quite certain.

I'm not completely sure what to do with the extra boot. It isn't doing me much good laying on my bedroom floor and I'm pretty sure its pair is still laying in the pile of sale boxes on the floor of Dillards. Unfortunately, since I am a self-proclaimed pack rat I am going to have this darn third boot for the next few decades.

Something else that bugs me: there are not enough Samoas in a box to satisfy me. The only thing I can think of to have the Girls Scouts make this up to me would be to add a little alcohol to the cookies- like rum cake.

And- I also hate it when they give out trophies for everyone even when they didn't win. So there. Happy Friday- hope you are enjoy my list of things that just don't do it for me!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone"

- Audrey Hepburn

Spring Cleaning and Nightmares

The weather has been so gorgeous here lately that I've been trying to spend as much time as possible outside. Everyone keeps talking about spring cleaning which makes me want to talk about spring cleaning too, since I love conformity. In theory the idea of putting an old t-shirt, turning my music up loud, opening all the windows and cleaning every surface inside of my little home sounds glorious. But the problem is that my home is little- 800 square feet to be exact- and this fun dancing/cleaning dream would only last two hours. Plus, I don't know if I'm really ready to give up two hours of reality t.v. watching just yet. I wonder how much it would cost to hire a maid to clean 800 square feet? I think it's worth looking in to.

I've been reading a lot of home decorating blogs lately and it makes me wish I had 900 square feet instead of 800 so I could really be living the life of luxury. A girl can dream, right?

On a different note- I had a strange dream on Sunday night that, upon telling my friend about it, I think describes my inner-most-fears pretty solidly. I think it might have something to do with the amount of marriage self-help style books I've been reading lately. It appears that the majority of people who know me are concerned about my mental health in these months leading up to the wedding and keep loaning me books about healthy marriages, etc. Anywho, I had this dream that the lady who now has possession of my precious little dog came over to my apartment and refused to take Watson off my hands unless I took her baby. Which I did and JJ was really upset because the baby already had a name and it wasn't John Falls Bennett the THIRD. Since we didn't have anywhere to put the baby, we sold our washer and dryer and put the baby in the utility closet. But, as you know if you've had the honor of being in my apartment, the foundation is lop-sided (or something) and so the double doors that hide the washer and dryer don't latch and just perpetually swing open. This became an issue, in the dream, for hiding the baby during my constant dinner parties. I thought about looking this up on one of those dream de-coder websites but decided the strangeness of this can probably be attributed to too much coffee before bed.

I realize that I've been talking a lot about dogs and babies a lot lately and I apologize. I don't know what's wrong with me! Hopefully when the sun starts becoming a more permanent part of my spring days the Vitamin D will help cure me of these thoughts.

Friday, March 5, 2010


I received an email awhile back from one of my best friends. The subject line read "your wedding present" and then the body of the email was a link to an interview Jennifer Love Hewitt gave on the George Lopez Show about bedazzinling her lady parts. I got a good laugh at this and moved on with my life.

BUT today I got an email from The Knot (which I believe to be a credible source) about this very thing! Apparently my friend was trendier than I gave her credit for! Turns out, "Vajazzling" is the latest beauty trend to sweep women’s nether regions.

"After a breakup, a friend of mine Swarovski-crystalled my, um, ‘precious lady,’ and it shined like a disco ball." -Jennifer Love Hewitt

I mean, I did love my BeDazzler but am I in the minority to think this has gone a little to far?! Some things just shouldn't be sparkly. I blame this craze on this Ke$sha generation.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Maybe if I had a dog I'd be less awkward

As if any proof was needed that I am awkward, the story I am about to tell you will most likely seal the deal of my awkwardness.

While running errands yesterday I walked past a pet store and was lured inside by the possibility of puppies. I made a bee-line to the baby daschunds and began telling the store clerk all about my dog. She didn't provoke me in any way or ask me if I had a dog or even make eye contact with me. I just began offering up information about my dog to this poor woman. What's wrong with this, you may be thinking? I don't have a dog.

Perhaps if I did have a dog I would be less awkward. At the very least, I would avoid having to make up stories about his presence.


Last night was the season finale of The Bachelor and I am so upset by the outcome that I think I am going to stop watching future seasons of the Bachelor all together. This morning I heard on the radio that Vienna's mother sells boiled peanuts on the side of the road in Florida. If you ask me, that sounds like a reality show waiting to happen. Who knew there was such a market for boiled peanuts?