Are you there, Chelsea?

I was asked by a friend if the title of my blog was in reference to the book "Are you there God, it's me Margaret" by Judy Blume. While this was a nice read when I was 11, I had a little something different in mind.

I love Chelsea Handler and read this entire book on the 13 hour flight from London to NYC last summer. I thought maybe if I named my blog after her book she would want to be friends with me.

This is nice too. For all I know Judy Blume might be a wild sarcastic diva also.

Do YOU have what it takes to be a child star?

Like all child stars, I have issues. Namely- I pop Tums like candy.

Ok fine. I'm not "technically" a child star but I certainly thought I was and I think that should count for something. And I was a part of a very dramatic family which I am quite certain has a lot to do with my current need for attention!

One of our girls at work asked me to help her research becoming a Hollywood actress. I wasn't really sure what you google to find a website that gives tips to children with behavioral problems who live in residential treatment centers who want to become stars. So I typed "becoming a child star" into my search bar and hoped for the best. What I got was so much better than the best: a quiz to find out if you have what it takes to become a child star.

Here's a little appetizer: Choose (a) or (b) for each of these personality traits or reactions to help you ascertain your child’s ability to cope with the life of a child actor.


1. a) Extroverted     b) Introverted

2. a) Focused and attentive     b) Distracted

3. a) When asked a question s/he doesn’t know s/he tries to answer
    b) Shrugs or blushes when he or she doesn’t know the answer

4. a) Loves to sing and dance      b) Thinks singing and dancing is lame or has to be coaxed into it

5. a) Does impressions and improvisation without coaxing      b) Will try impressions and improv only with encouragement and coaching from you

If you answered mostly A’s, you probably have a child who wants to act and who might even be quite talented in several areas. You might have a real performer on your hands!
If you’ve answered mostly B’s, maybe it’s time to sit down and have a talk with your child to give them a chance to tell you how they really feel about acting.

(information from BecomeAChildActor.com)

The girl in my office had what it takes so I think I might offer to be her agent. When the state decides to let her out of its custody, that is.

I don't want to do someone else's job

I may be the only person in the world who feels this way but I think self-checkouts at supermarkets suck. Why would I want to do someone else's job after I just spent much too long picking out all of my food? Plus, I like to use the time I'm being checked out (by people who are paid to do it!) to scan People and US Weekly. And, when I absolutely must use the self-checkouts, they never work properly. The disembodied voice never believes I am putting what I say I am on the conveyer belt! Then I am not saving any time because I must wait for someone to come over and enter a 12 digit code that proves I am not stealing anything.

I would never have the guts to actually steal anything but I did make it home from Dillards last week with something I didn't pay for. I went in to buy stuff I don't need from the Clinque counter so I could get a "free gift" and saw the shoe department had all of their winter boots on clearance. I found a beautiful pair of camel colored high-heeled boots and excitedly purchased them for $29.99! I wore them out that night and much later when I came home and tried to return them to their box they wouldn't fit. Upon investigation I realized that there was a THIRD boot in the box! Some how I made it home with two left boots and one right boot. Someone at Dillards is getting fired, I'm quite certain.

I'm not completely sure what to do with the extra boot. It isn't doing me much good laying on my bedroom floor and I'm pretty sure its pair is still laying in the pile of sale boxes on the floor of Dillards. Unfortunately, since I am a self-proclaimed pack rat I am going to have this darn third boot for the next few decades.



Something else that bugs me: there are not enough Samoas in a box to satisfy me. The only thing I can think of to have the Girls Scouts make this up to me would be to add a little alcohol to the cookies- like rum cake.

And- I also hate it when they give out trophies for everyone even when they didn't win. So there. Happy Friday- hope you are enjoy my list of things that just don't do it for me!

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone"


- Audrey Hepburn

Spring Cleaning and Nightmares

The weather has been so gorgeous here lately that I've been trying to spend as much time as possible outside. Everyone keeps talking about spring cleaning which makes me want to talk about spring cleaning too, since I love conformity. In theory the idea of putting an old t-shirt, turning my music up loud, opening all the windows and cleaning every surface inside of my little home sounds glorious. But the problem is that my home is little- 800 square feet to be exact- and this fun dancing/cleaning dream would only last two hours. Plus, I don't know if I'm really ready to give up two hours of reality t.v. watching just yet. I wonder how much it would cost to hire a maid to clean 800 square feet? I think it's worth looking in to.

I've been reading a lot of home decorating blogs lately and it makes me wish I had 900 square feet instead of 800 so I could really be living the life of luxury. A girl can dream, right?


On a different note- I had a strange dream on Sunday night that, upon telling my friend about it, I think describes my inner-most-fears pretty solidly. I think it might have something to do with the amount of marriage self-help style books I've been reading lately. It appears that the majority of people who know me are concerned about my mental health in these months leading up to the wedding and keep loaning me books about healthy marriages, etc. Anywho, I had this dream that the lady who now has possession of my precious little dog came over to my apartment and refused to take Watson off my hands unless I took her baby. Which I did and JJ was really upset because the baby already had a name and it wasn't John Falls Bennett the THIRD. Since we didn't have anywhere to put the baby, we sold our washer and dryer and put the baby in the utility closet. But, as you know if you've had the honor of being in my apartment, the foundation is lop-sided (or something) and so the double doors that hide the washer and dryer don't latch and just perpetually swing open. This became an issue, in the dream, for hiding the baby during my constant dinner parties. I thought about looking this up on one of those dream de-coder websites but decided the strangeness of this can probably be attributed to too much coffee before bed.

I realize that I've been talking a lot about dogs and babies a lot lately and I apologize. I don't know what's wrong with me! Hopefully when the sun starts becoming a more permanent part of my spring days the Vitamin D will help cure me of these thoughts.

"Vajazzling"

I received an email awhile back from one of my best friends. The subject line read "your wedding present" and then the body of the email was a link to an interview Jennifer Love Hewitt gave on the George Lopez Show about bedazzinling her lady parts. I got a good laugh at this and moved on with my life.

BUT today I got an email from The Knot (which I believe to be a credible source) about this very thing! Apparently my friend was trendier than I gave her credit for! Turns out, "Vajazzling" is the latest beauty trend to sweep women’s nether regions.

"After a breakup, a friend of mine Swarovski-crystalled my, um, ‘precious lady,’ and it shined like a disco ball." -Jennifer Love Hewitt


I mean, I did love my BeDazzler but am I in the minority to think this has gone a little to far?! Some things just shouldn't be sparkly. I blame this craze on this Ke$sha generation.

Maybe if I had a dog I'd be less awkward

As if any proof was needed that I am awkward, the story I am about to tell you will most likely seal the deal of my awkwardness.

While running errands yesterday I walked past a pet store and was lured inside by the possibility of puppies. I made a bee-line to the baby daschunds and began telling the store clerk all about my dog. She didn't provoke me in any way or ask me if I had a dog or even make eye contact with me. I just began offering up information about my dog to this poor woman. What's wrong with this, you may be thinking? I don't have a dog.

Perhaps if I did have a dog I would be less awkward. At the very least, I would avoid having to make up stories about his presence.

***

Last night was the season finale of The Bachelor and I am so upset by the outcome that I think I am going to stop watching future seasons of the Bachelor all together. This morning I heard on the radio that Vienna's mother sells boiled peanuts on the side of the road in Florida. If you ask me, that sounds like a reality show waiting to happen. Who knew there was such a market for boiled peanuts?